Confession: I don't want to finish radiotherapy

What an extraordinary title. Could it possibly be true? Well, yes and no. Of course I want to finish treatment. The daily grind of getting there and finding a parking space; the discomfort of the arm in the stirrup; the embarrassment of not being able to leap in a lithe fashion on to the table; the increasing skin irritation (which is not at all bad, so far), the constant use of E45. All of this means that I long to finish.

HOWEVER:

There is at least one positive element to all this: I am still being treated. Somebody is doing something to my cancer. Odd, really. I'm a doctor. I knew that this would come to an end. I understand that monitoring will not and should not happen on a weekly basis. I am more than impressed with the treatment I have received.

AND YET

I do like the fact that

• Somebody is keeping an eye on me (albeit, only on my skin, and nobody is examining me)
• We are throwing things at the stupid cancer
• I am not alone in this - there is a camaraderie in the radiotherapy waiting room
• I can banter with the therapists and use the blackest of black humour
• I am still legitimately 'ill' and so can work slightly shorter days

Suddenly, it feels as if I am going to be cast adrift. No more constant attention, no more reason for being tired. Just me, my still mucky hair, and waiting to see what happens. Bizarre, really. I did not expect to feel like this. It will, of course, be fine. But it is very strange, although apparently not at all unusual!