"It's a medical emergency" they told us, the day we went up for out 'Introduction to Chemotherapy' session. And that is what it says on the card they gave us, with the emergency number. "If your temperature goes above 38C, no matter how well you are feeling, you ring this number and you come in for blood tests. You do understand? IT IS A MEDICAL EMERGENCY."
"OK, OK", I thought. "I know about this stuff. I can handle it. I shall take my temperature every morning and, unless there is a problem, I shall forget about it for the rest of the day."
Some hope!!! Let me tell you, dear friends, that, at least for this doctor, that is rubbish. Even though I feel relatively fine, although there are no signs of infection, although I have no symptoms other than those that would be expected, I find I am linked to my thermometer. Every time I wake in the night, I take my temperature; every time I go to the bathroom, I take my temperature; every few hours, for no other reason, I take my temperature. It has, so far, fluctuated between 36.1 and 37.4. There has never been a hint of a problem. But I cannot let it go. I need the constant reassurance that I am not missing something. 'Why?', I ask myself.
To be honest, I am not sure. I know that my greatest fear is that I shall have to be admitted for intravenous antibiotics, with all that means for Molly Cat and for my own peace of mind, but that cannot begin to explain it. It may be an emergency, but there is no reason to think that I am harbouring anything difficult to treat; on the contrary, all the screens have been negative. So what is it? Pride? Surely not. That would be totally daft. Displacement activity? Possibly. There is something very reassuring about having a little control. In fact, I think 'control' must be the operative word here. It is very hard to relinquish all control to others. I think I may find reassurance in knowing that I can make this decision. Maybe it's time to go back to the 'trust' bit and see where I have gone wrong. Oh dear.
Good night all, from Molly and me.
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